Strength During Struggles

Ho hum. Today is a therapy entry. An entry to record my thoughts, my feelings, and my life. Because some day, it won't be my life anymore and I may miss it. OR, I just may need to record it so when I'm old and gray, I may offer condolences to some young mother who seems to have her hands, feet, and house full. And I want to share with my blogging family and friends. Because I know we support each other.

To my credit, I know I'm talented. I know I'm loved. I know at times I run circles and accomplish much more than others do. And every once in a while, I consider myself extraordinary. SOOOOO, why do I feel worthless and under achieved and that I should be doing SO MUCH MORE!!! Today we attended tithing settlement at church. The Bishop spoke with kindness and understanding (he has seven children) as he extended a simple challenge to our family. First however, I need to back up and share that he released Brandon from the position of Young Men's basketball coach. Something he loves doing. An athletic avenue where he can build relationships with these boys so that he may then have a spiritual influence. The Bishop said the reason was so he could be with his family more since he knows he is gone quite a bit as it is. That made me sad for Brandon. It shouldn't really if I consider what I've given up for our family, but it did.

Anyway, the Bishop said, "I know as a young mother who has her hands full, taking on one more thing seems impossible." The challenge was easy, yet, I started tearing up at the phrase, ONE MORE THING!!! I feel like I what I do is not enough and I should be doing so much more. Why. Why do I feel like that? Is it because I'm Mormon and going the second, third, fourth, and 26th mile "should" be second nature? (It's not you know. It's not human nature. It's god-like nature.) Or is it because I let the adversary get to me. I know Satan is a cunning little devil :) and wants me to feel depressed, down, and that I should just give up. WELL, you got me! Mercy. Uncle, I GIVE!!! And then I remember the short prayer (that's all they are these days before I fall asleep on my knees) that I asked my Heavenly Father for patience and humility and really, He's only answering my prayer. :) A lot of times I see those around me and think, "I don't want to be like them." I'm not necessarily judging because i don't know why they act or respond they do. I'm not in their shoes. But I do take inventory and think to myself, "how will I avoid that pitfall?" I don't want to be a chaotic, stressed out mom who not only doesn't have time for herself, but doesn't have time for her kids.

The word "FIVE" is not enough...the word is just not long enough to convey the weight of AUDREYCORBINDREWJAKEFISHER. And while I'm at it, WIFEMOTHERSISTERDAUGHTERFRIEND is pretty hefty as well. Fortunately, I know I'm not alone. But I sure feel like it.

I don't want to care that the babysitter can keep my house cleaner and play with the kids longer and teach them manners better than I can. That's why I hire her.

I don't want to care that Christmas presents this year will be late. Moving in three weeks time right before Thanksgiving and Christmas with a 2 1/2 month old baby who will not take a bottle and still gets up twice in the night is not easy.

I don't want to care that I'm so worn out and exhausted that when my six year old threw up on the carpet and bathroom floor last night, I left it and went back to bed. (It's still there...maybe if it's completely dry it will vacuum easier.)

I don't want to care that I shove things in drawers and closets when people come over so I my house will appear clean. I know others understand a messy house, but I REALLY don't like the mess myself. I may never be able to park in the garage because the remaining boxes and junk keep getting tossed into my parking space.

I don't want to care that I have minimal Christmas decorations up with gobs of decorations still in boxes or skip the address update and Christmas cards even though they are already printed.

I don't want to care that I'm asking Audrey to take on more and more responsibilities as a big sister/mother's helper, things that I think i should be doing or even want to be doing but don't have the capacity.

I don't want to care that my only calling right now is to be a visiting teacher. Actually I'm grateful about that one. BECAUSE I DON'T EVEN HAVE TIME TO THINK STRAIGHT!!!

So even though I don't WANT to care. I DO. It's called guilt. Hey Lucifer...that one's yours too! It's a crazy game my head and heart play. My heart tells me even though I may want to accomplish more, I am doing all I can do. Sadly, my heart gets some support from my brain that takes inventory. It's amazing. When I am away from motherhood responsibilities, the world seems clearer and I feel energetic to accomplish whatever my little heart desires and my brain can think up. SIGH. Time and season. Time and season. Time and season.

In the big scheme of things, my trials and troubles are small. I am incredibly blessed. And incredibly honored to be a Wife, a Mother, a Sister, a Daughter, and a Friend. And undeserving of the spirits named Audrey, Corbin, Drew, Jake, and Fisher.

PHEW. I've written and cried long enough and listened to the songs on my blog that I feel better now. :) I knew I would. I just wanted to record in the moment, my overwhelment and frustration so I would be able to appreciate the highs better next time I reach them. Because really, if life were only full of bliss and sunshine, how would any of us gain appreciation or become a stronger person? That's what life is. Highs and lows. Struggles and relief. Learning. Growing.

I had a thought they other day about the scripture that talks about, "our weaknesses becoming our strengths..." (can't find it right now.) But, when I first started this motherhood job, I was not very good. "Motherhood" was definitely a WEAKNESS. Lately I've been feeling a bit of a shift. I don't know that I am able to call it a strength yet, but at least I don't consider it one of my weaknesses anymore. When I had one child, Brandon would leave for a week fishing and my mother-in-law would come stay with me because the responsibility was too much for me to handle. And now I have five and I'm doing it. Of course, I welcome any help, and maybe that's part of it. I know I can't do this job alone. And gratefully I don't. Several of my friends look at me, shake their head, and marvel, "I don't know how you do it." Sometimes I respond, "I don't know how I do it either." But I do. Prayer, acts of kindness and service, assistance from the other side, and learning to LET GO. In Jacob 4:7, The Lord shows Nephites weakness that they may know that power to do these things comes by his grace. I know that to be true. It is by Heavenly Father's grace I am doing this motherhood job. Some days I don't even yell. LOL!!! :)

When searching for the scripture that quotes weaknesses becoming strengths, I came across this talk. I love it when answers or help come in this way. :) Unexpected, yet right to the point. The title is "Strength Through Struggles." Here's the first couple paragraphs. Click the link for the entire talk. (By Elder L. Lionel Kendrick, October 2001)

Life is not always easy to live, but the opportunity to do so is a blessing beyond comprehension. In the process of living we will face struggles, many of which will cause us to suffer and to experience pain. Many people will suffer in personal struggles, while others will suffer as they watch their loved ones in pain.

To gain strength in our struggles, we must have a positive perspective of the principles in the plan of salvation. We must realize that we have a personal Savior whom we can trust and turn to in our times of need. We must also learn and live the principles that the Lord has given to receive the strength needed during our struggles.

I know that's why I'm blessed with strength...because I AM TRYING to live the the gospel principles. I guess that's why I feel guilty when I can't do everything like I think I'm SUPPOSE to do or have been asked to do. Ouch...I can see myself coming full circle so I better stop while I'm ahead. That, and dried puke is calling my name. :)

Logic of a 3-Year Old

Drew is cracking me up. Some days with laughter others days with non-stop high pitched whining. Today was a bit of both...

Story 1:
After getting home from preschool, Drew went straight to the computer to play games and watch some shows.

Me: Drew, would you like some lunch?
Drew: (In a whine voice) I don't want lunch. Mom, was that whining?
Me: Yes. That was whining.
Drew: That wasn't whining, that was pouting!

1/2 hour later...
Drew: I'm hungry.
Me: Would you like some lunch.
Drew: (Still whining) No, I want cereal.

Story 2:
In our Christmas boxes of decorations, the kids found the white elephant gift Brandon brought home from a work party last year. An annoying little chipmunk that sings, "I'm getting nothing for Christmas" when you push the button on his foot. The kids play it over and over and over, singing along as loud as they can. Well, Drew has started asking me lately, "Mom, are you and Dad mad?"

I know he's smart, so I can't decide if he is enamored with the emotions and aware of times when he's been mad or worried about his recent behavior that has bordered on "bad" and considered the Christmas morning consequences. :)

Story 3:
This week we are finally starting to feel a little bit settled so Brandon attempted to unclog the toilet that has been clogged within a couple days of moving. Knowing how my Jake likes to play in the toilets, my assumption has been the 18-month old as the culprit. Well, Brandon got out the toilet augur (a.k.a. "snake") and went to work shoving whatever was stuck farther down the pipes. (After a $150 visit from Roto Rooter, we found Jake was indeed to blame. He tried to flush Fisher's snot sucker. You know, the blue bulb that is suppose to extract baby boogers.) Anyway, Drew didn't like to run upstairs to go potty when the toilet was clogged, and would sneak into the bathroom, poop, and then not flush the toilet. So when Brandon got to the mess, it was just that...a mess! He guarded himself with a dishtowel around his face and went to work. The kids thought it was fun of course and got their own masks and watched dad shove the "poop snake" down the toilet. Fast forward a day or two later when we were eating dinner. In an effort to get Drew to eat his dinner, Brandon tells him there are all sorts of animals in his food. He said, "Drew, look at those snakes. Eat them all up." Drew got an inquisitive look on his face, turned to Brandon and asked, "Poop Snakes?"